Things You Learn from HP Slash FanFiction
by dilaudidagnosticangel
Summary: Following the article written by the prolific Josephine Darcy, I have complied a list of things I've learned from my secret reading habits... Feel free add to the list via comments.


1. Dispite social science's rough estimate of one tenth of the population demonstrating homosexual tendencies, all of generation 2's male children are either bi-curious or have had that curiosity thorougly satisfied. Many times. In many ways.

2. Also, generation 3's physical levels of attractiveness is greater than generation 2's canonutical physical attractiveness. By A LOT.

3. Slytherins are neither mean-spirited nor evil. They are simply unable to contain all the dark sexual energy that comes with being the house you love to have hate sex with...

4. Once you go Black... (you don't go back)

5. The only real requirement for using the Room of Requirement is having a hot sex partner to use it with clandestinely.

6. Fan girls are much more comfortable expressing their sexual/sex-emotional fantasies through beautiful gay men. Or maybe just more interested...

7. 'Fluff' is to 'romantic comedy' as 'angst' is to 'docu-drama'

8. Hermione is a wealth of information reguarding gay sex and gay wizarding marriages.

9. "Dumbledore and Grindlewald" are to "Harry Potter" what "Charles and Erik" are to "X-Men" (Look it up. Literally the same damn relationship.)

10. Matthew Goode and Benedict Cumberbatch may be the most perfect Harry and Snape for Snarry lovers ever.

11. (On that note see Christian Bale and one Viggo Mortenson for Rem-ius..)

12. Something is going on with the Malfoy men. Popular opinion seems to suggest their less than stellar temperments have less to do with them being natural gits and more to do with being raped by Voldemort and rampantly repressed homosexuality respectively.

13. The wizarding world practices more forced gay arranged marriages than any other culture on the planet.

14. That being said, if you are forced into gay arranged marriage love will eventually blossom, but only grudgingly through misunderstandings, and also only if one of you gets sick.

15. Ron isn't any better at picking up on gay inuendo than straight.

16. Somebody really should have called social services on the Durselys...

17. If you think Harry Potter acts like a girl in the books... you should see him when he's blushing over a compliment some guy unintentionally let slip...

18. Charlie is the most likely of Ron's brothers to be secretly fucking his best friend. Percy is the least.

19. Unlike in real life, everyone in fiction is sexier angry...

20. The prefects' bathroom is a filthy, filthy place and should be hosed down with bleach at the next avalible opportunity.

21. Dispite being in love with Lilly for two decades, Snape is in fact a rampant homosexual.

22. House elves are not the most abused spicies in the Potter-verse due to their slavery but rather the alarming number of angst-ridden, emotional gay men they've been forced to comfort.

23. As previously suspected, Sirius Black is a total slut.

24. In real life, Americans are loud, ignortant, insane, enormous, outrageously attractive, clumsily do whatever the hell they want and kick total ass. However in fanfiction, American exchange students to Hogwarts are never as obsese as you would realistically expect...

25. Adult wizards never get drunk in the Harry Potter books. Adult wizards should never get drunk in Harry Potter ff if they want to remain straight.

26. Why settle for mere parental disapproval when your relationship can ignight a generations old blood feud complete with nasty comments from portraits of dead relatives and possible ministry interference?

27. James Potter the 2nd is considerably more masculine than his father. Albus Severus (dispite his namesakes,) is considerably less...

28. More HP characters sport tattoos than you would guess.

29. Vampires are way more interested in stealing our hot men than our blood...

30. Assuming that every guy in the Potterverse is either gay or potentially gay, how come Louis Weasley is the only efeminent one? (In my real life experience, there should be more than just one. Who does he have bitch-fests with?)

31. Dumbledore is pretty much supportive of any weird-ass relationship anyone is willing to ship...

32. Much like real governments the ministry of magic is incompetent. Unlike real high school, Hogwarts teaches you shit you can actually use...

33. When there is a genocidal maniac plotting your demise, the real thing you should be worried about is why your lover has become so cold and withdrawn lately.

34. You know this whole fandom is totally fucked to meta-hell when hating on Mary Sues has become cliche.

35. Instead of spouse, the term you're looking for is "bond-mate"

36. I have no life.


End file.
